Prodigal Sons…
Ok now this is a really long text wall, I’m sorry about that, but this is important, and it’s something that I think I have been bottling up in one way or another for a very long time. So please read it through. I’ve needed to get this off my chest fopr years, though I didn’t know it then.
As most of you my know, Emily and I were once a part of a group called Slightly Out of Order, now forgive me if you’ve heard this story before but it has a point to it. The website was based around a group of people who were once members of NPF who decided that they wanted to go it alone and try something new. Initially the transition was a success. There were many users who were online regularly and there were comic projects that were getting done, mostly sprite comics mind you, but there’s nothing wrong with that. After one of their spriters leaving the group with no warning or comment on the matter, just up and left, I attempted to fill that roll, and without tooting my own horn, I believe I did that successfully. I was a spriter back then, I wouldn’t call myself an artist or a writer, like I do now, I was a spriter, that was my main tallent, the one thing I loved to do more than anything else. I was accepted my most but rejected by a few, some of those came to believe in me later on and welcomed me over time. However, I had a rival, he was not a spriter as such, though he gave is a good effort, and I can;t really say much for his writing skills beyond poetry, which I admit that he was good at. However what he lacked in artistic talent, he made up from by being the administrator of our site. He kept the thing running and t be fair he did it well. He was known as Chahiero. However he had an unhealthy obsession with Emily, she had turned him down many times before, and he was jealous that Emily and I were growing closer, when we announced out engagement, he flipped. He even claims he sent her a gold diamond ring, giving her one last chance. After she turned him down he did some silly stuff, stuff that I’m not going to go into as it is a very personal thing between us, and as a point of honour and trust I won’t go into details of all that happened publicly. However the one thing that he did was ban Emily and I from SOoO, and claim that we left of our own accord. Though we were planning on doing so, this wasn’t the case yet. Shortly after that falling deeper into this craziness, he turned the forum into a Qeeko shrine of sorts, replacing a lot of the graphics with sprites of her. Slightly Out of Order died then and there.
This is the reason that the group we had previously put together as a Star Wars fan site called The Advent Order, became Ultima-Java.
Every so often however I get into a funk of sorts, where I start thinking over the times of old, how much fun we had there before the unpleasantness, all the friends and companions we made. The general communion of the place. Even after what happened Slightly Out of Order is still locked in my mind as a time of happiness and then the moment everything went wrong.
Today I sat back, thanks to the new Facebook site and thought of the people we have here, trying to work out if I knew what your names are. Some of you I’ve known for a long time, some of you I’ve met in person and that’s when I realised that there are some of you out there who I don;t really know as well as I should. I’m not going to name names on the front page, but I want this to be an apology to anyone who feels that we’ve been friends for a long time and yet, I sometimes come off as distant. Anyway, I’m writing some of these names in when I start to think about reaching out to old friends from SOoO, and thats when I discovered that I had forgotten a lot of the names of people that I once called friends, not only that, but I had even forgotten to usernames of people who I would hang out with and chat to when I was in SOoO. This upset me. All those people, all the friends we had, all the foundations we had laid for great relationships were shattered in that break up of SOoO.
I realised how many people the breakdown affected, and how many people today are avoiding groups and forums, and all things of that sort purely because of ill and bitter feelings that started because of that one single event. I know there were people out there who blamed me and only me for the breakdown in SOoO, but they would never say it to my face, and even if they did they had no grounds to say that. I received as many hits, if not more, than I gave, and I was making my stand out of love for Emily. As I was telling myself this I realised these were all justifications, that although no one accused me directly, silently one person was making it obvious to me how much they blamed me.
I was.
Ultima-Java exists out of guilt of everything that I felt like I had destroyed. Though I do not hold myself wholly accountable, I have let it fester for a long time, and my blame for myself has been eating away at me for all these years. Thats why I’m trying my damndest to make this place different, acceptable for all people, a little something to do for anyone who visits, a little update here, a new one of these there, Ultima-Java: All things to all people. This is my penance, the retribution taken out by me on myself, this is me trying to atone for past sins. That is why when something goes wrong here it hit’s me hard, that is when activity drops I panic, that is why when membership starts to slow I freak out. I’m not doing this for myself or for anyone else except for those who I wronged by my actions.
I have been unable to let go of the memory of that failure, and if UJ fails, I feel like am disgracing the memory of those good times we once shared, that I’m not living up to the legacy I helped tear down.
I know I have been forgiven by many out there, however it’s always harder to forgive ones self, and I think that until I do I’m going to continue to struggle, and I am going to continue to not be satisfied with Ultima-Java unless it becomes as successful or even more successful than SOoO once was. Some might say that it is, however, the memory I have is of a much greater activity count, a lot more members to the forums, more projects and generally more people having fun, willing to enjoy themselves, posting their artwork and sprites, and comics and stories. Instead I feel like I’ve created a nanny state of sorts, where no one ever posts unless a thread is made for them by someone else.
For me UJ is my attempt of paying back the Balance. To whomever I may owe in the great wide universe, however in it’s inception UJ’s purpose FOR you has not changed. This forum is there to be what YOU want it to be. Post stuff, don’t be afraid to start thread and don;t be afraid to be honest, there is a suggestion box on the forum for a reason, tell me what you think is missing, and I will see if it is feasible to add. The forum is in your hands everyone.
I also make a plea to those out there who were once friends of ours on Slightly Out of Order and NPF and all the other places where our presence has been seen. We welcome you all to come back to us. Slightly Out of Order hasn’t gone, the feelings that place gave us is still there, if you think back and remember good times, then you will find that here too. We are still Slightly Out of Order, except we have a different crew and we have a different set up and a different name. However we are still a forum that is dedicated to you, our fans, our followers, our people
Thanks for reading.